Yeah, yeah, it’s been a while. I’ve been busy, go fuck yourselves. I came by to tell you about my day. Today I landed a client, and I thought maybe you intolerable cunts could use some schoolin’ in that department.
What I found particularly interesting about this client was what she said to me during our conversation. Namely, that she had been given a list of referrals, but after looking each candidate over, she thought I was the overwhelmingly correct choice. NOW, I’m going to tell you how to do that. Sit the fuck up and pay attention.
Here are All the Ways You Suck
I’ve seen your portfolios and your professional images, and I gotta say, you guys suck. You suck hard and this is why: you’re not you. You’re a fucking cardboard cutout of yourself, a smiling fucking face on top of a pile of some really uninteresting shit. Since I feel like it’s my moral obligation to fix that vomitous pile you call a resume and LinkedIn profile, I’m giving you some pointers — for free. You can thank me later in the form of cold, hard cash.
1. STOP BEING SO GOD DAMNED BORING! You don’t have to be the next Chuck Wendig, but you should be someone. You’re not a fucking robot, are you? If you are, then ignore this because you’re already doing what it takes — it’s all those other cunts pretending to be you that are fucking it up for you. Be somebody, be yourself, and do it loudly and proudly. Sure, you’re going to offend some people, and you’ll not be some people’s bag, but you don’t have to be all things to all people. There are a fucking gazillion people who need freelance writers — and trust me, you can only handle about 10 of them at once — being you means you’ll attract the people who really inspire you to be your best.
2. We have to talk about your samples. You absolutely should have some samples that showcase your technical writing skills, a formal tone and all of that happy horseshit. You also need samples that add to that vision of loveliness you created under item number one. Add your blog to your LinkedIn, give people some idea of your range. Casual voice is becoming the currency of the Internet — if you can’t prove you can loosen up, I promise you you’re missing out on the premium jobs.
3. There is no number three. Take some fucking risk, be a unique and precious snowflake. You’re not interviewing for a job at a bank, for God’s sake. You’re looking for a gig that may or may not pay enough to cover your time, and will certainly never pay enough to compensate you for your loss of sanity. You’re beholden to nothing but your deadlines, so fuck ’em all.
Let Me Give You an Example
My LinkedIn profile raised some eyebrows when I shared it with some Copywriting Groups that I belong to on Facebook. In fact, those little piss ants had the tenacity to tell me that I’d never land a client using “that sort of language” on LinkedIn. This is the sort of language I used in the summary section:
“I’m sure a lot of the other writers on here use this space to talk about how they love stringing letters together to make sentences and how punctuation is just icing on the fucking cake of lies they’ve built about the things they claim to care about. You know what I’m passionate about, LinkedIn? Cutting out the bullshit and getting straight to the point.”
You can go fact check that. I’ll wait.
I’m more proud of those three sentences than anything else I wrote in 2014. You know why? They’re not regurgitated feculence that was once the five course meal of a better copywriter. People gasped, people reprimanded me, told me that sort of thing was career suicide — and guess what? It wasn’t. In fact, it pushed me to another level — and earned me the spot I’ve deserved for a long motherfucking time.
You know what else? I don’t have to hunt and beg and grovel for work. I actually have to turn clients away on a regular basis. That’s a fucking incredible feeling — that’s mad power. You can have it, too. You really can, I’m not shitting you at all. You don’t even have to curse like a sailor to do it, though it clearly helps.
You just have to be yourself. When that next potential client calls you, don’t be afraid to speak up, don’t be afraid to drop some f-bombs, just be you. If they’re calling you, I can promise that they’ve already put you on the short list — now it’s time to show them why you’re there.