Back in 1850, when I was a young journo, I had a typewriter. It was a Royal, it punched a hole through the paper when I hit the letter “O” and it was slow going. But, after fighting with Google Authenticator for the privilege to log into WP in another browser (not even a different computer), I really miss that beat up old machine.
My fucking head hurts, my fucking cell phone narrowly escaped getting its little brains based out on the nearest rock and throwing my fucking slow goddamned computer out the window still feels like a reasonable option. These are the kinds of things that lead to sneaky hate spirals.
Here’s Why I Fucking Hate Hackers
You realize, of course, that all this Luddite-like rage has been inspired by the actions of just a few. If the Internet wasn’t a digital ocean living in fear of a few unrepentant Great Whites, we’d have our cats’ names as our passwords and that’d be it. This 2-Step Authentication thing wouldn’t matter. It would be a waste of time.
After all, it’s not paranoia if they’re actually out to get you.
Because of some hateful, nosy motherfuckers, I have to have a 2-Step Authenticator installed on my screwy LG G2, I have to make the phone talk to the computer through the Internet and I have to fucking remember passwords that contain uppercase letters, lower case letters, numbers, symbols and fucking hieroglyphs in them.
So, to every black and gray hat out there — I say FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHOLE ILK. FUCK YOU FOR RUINING THE PURITY AND INNOCENCE OF THE INTERNET.
As I remember it, there was a time that this place was as innocent as a newborn manatee. All you had to do was claim you were Dr. Rosenthal and you’d have access to the University archives, people shared data on open networks and no one, not anybody, ever fed the trolls.
Then we commercialized this Virtual Eden and BAM, it went straight to Hell.
TO HELL I SAY!
So, today I say to all hackers and the hoops they make me jump through to just publish this stupid blog: EAT SHIT AND DIE!
I’ll be over here cuddling a manatee until my urge to destroy something beautiful is soothed.